Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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