tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We smell like vodka and hangover
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