so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
