I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
