I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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