I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
