it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
tell me about the eggs
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
