As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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