Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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