Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
