I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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