just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
