no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
