i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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