He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is the high leading the old right now
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
