my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
