Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
