I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
