These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
