but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
