I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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