Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Someone came in the potted fern
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
