He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
