Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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