i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize