College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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