If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
