I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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