I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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