I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
