please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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