I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think people are normalizing furries
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
