Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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