i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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