should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize