I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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