I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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