I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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