She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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