How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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