Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
