finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
