I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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