Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
