I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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