when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
