remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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