Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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