I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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