apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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