Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
