That's when you crack a 10am beer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
