rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
