Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
