I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
