then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I bet he comes in French.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My feet surprised me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
