Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
