im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
